God's Hands

I couldn't bring myself to blog last night...my emotions were a mess.
The week has been stressful with Gabe being extra trying. He continues to try to get his 2 yr molars in....I honestly think they've been trying to come in for 1/2 year now. He sticks his fingers back there constantly, drools like crazy from time to time, and now he has started grinding his teeth. I'm praying this is the final stage of the molars breaking free.

I'm tired of disciplining, talking, ashamed to say-- yelling at times.....spanking, time-outs, whatever works. I'm really, really hoping it's just the teeth making him more irritable. He has been getting an attitude where when you tell him something he shouldn't do, he will yell at you in return. (since obviously he hasn't figured out how to mouth back, he makes a yell/growl back at you) nice.....He also has been not taking very good naps in the afternoon. (He's sleeping awesome at night thankfully) but during naptime, he cries in his sleep and acts like he is in pain) so this week has been well, you know.....Praise God for my family who gives us breaks and distracts his mind into other things other than rebelling.

I have been doing ALOT of praying....alot of playing praise and worship music very loud in his room. Jason and I have learned first hand the power of the name of Jesus being said over and over in our home. I once heard a very annointed woman say about their ADHD/behavior disorder son: "When there's nothing else you feel you can do....pray and play the praise and worship music. This alone will cast out evil spirits that may have entered their bedrooms, your house, etc...and get in the Word like never before."

So this is where I'm at with Gabriel. I love him so deeply that I want to help him get thru this season of life instead of being frustrated and upset with him all the time. I'm believing that the power of prayer and speaking the name of Jesus over and over into his little ears will bring about a miraculous change. I can do nothing myself as a mother....it's only by the grace of God and His love for us that will pull us thru.

Then last night my mom and I were out in the yard pulling weeds. One minute I was looking down and the next I looked up to see Gabe running as fast as he could for the highway (which we live on). A yell came out of me in a voice I didn't recognize as I started running too. I couldn't get there fast enough. At the last second he turned around just as a semi went past. He was laughing and had no idea of the danger he was in or the consequences. The innocence of a child.....will sometimes make a mother's heart soooooo bad that we think we can't go on doing this thing called parenting.

Later on Jason and I were giving the kids baths and Ellie was laying on the bathroom counter as I was drying her off. One minute I was looking up at Jason, talking, the next minute she was rolling off the counter as I barely caught her with my body. As I caught her, my heart started hurting again as I choked back tears. "God, I said....I can't do this anymore! I feel so helpless. I'm so not getting it!!!"

Putting the kids to bed, I held them a little tighter, lingered longer....and kissed them more. And I prayed even harder. And in the stillness of the night, God spoke to my heart again.
"These are mine as are you. I hold you in my hands as I do them. I am yours and You are mine.
Do not fear....do not fret....great peace will you have if you keep your mind on Me. I hold you in my hands. I love you and will never leave you or forsake you."

And then later when Jason and I went to bed...I finally cried. I cried because my heart was hurting so bad. Earlier in the day Mom was telling me of the story of the little baby that just died in another town not far from here. It was crawling out of it's crib and got hung up and died.
The story stayed with me all day...went around and around in my head...and when I ran after Gabe towards the highway and couldn't make my feet move quick enough, I thought" I'm not ready to let go of mine yet." But then who is?

These precious gifts of children are God's. They are in His hands as Jason reminded me last night. I sobbed and told him I don't think I could go on living if I lost a child. And as he held me close he said, "But you can...because God's grace is sufficient and His plan is bigger than ours. He is the one who pulls us thru..it's not of us but of Him." All that we have is truly His.

So this morning as Gabe and I had our praise and worship time, this song came on and God spoke to me again. I wanted to share it with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvt0SH8mDDk