Trusting God...Completely

Well, my mind is still in a fog...it all happened so fast. This morning I dropped Ellie...yup, that's me, a failure of a mom. I kept asking God on the drive back home from the hospital, why God? Why did you even let me have kids if I can't take care of them properly....and then it spiraled...Why God? Why did you let me get married if I can't always be the wife that you're calling me to be to Jason? Why can't I be that good little wife that keeps her mouth shut even when she doesn't agree with her husband? Why do I rock the boat and test the waters...why do I do it time after time instead of learning my lesson the first time? And then He puts His arms around me and whispers sweet peace to me...and reminds me: I'm a work in progress and He's not thru with me yet.

But today...my minds not at peace yet with the fact that I dropped my daughter. I had been discipling Gabe (another whole saga of the last couple weeks) and just gotten up from talking to him on the floor, had Ellie in my arms to get ready to feed her and just that quickly, I tripped over a BIG john deere tractor. (one of my favorite presents that my brother Joshua gave Gabe for Christmas and now i HATE it!) I was halfway down to the floor before my hands just flew out to catch myself and Ellie went BAM on her back. She instantly started screaming. I picked her up and held her so close and her face went deathly white. I then frantically amidst my sobbing, called me mom who said she was on her way but to call 911 first. I completley forgot to call Jason (bad wife again) 911 kept me on the phone and calmed me down until the first responders from our town got here (they come before the ambulance gets here...I was so thankful for this...what a Godsend!) Ellie calmed down pretty quickly until the first responders took her and held her and checked her out, then she got angry again. She was hungry and needed a nap, but also I'm sure, scared mostly. It was amazing how quick it all went and how quickly they all showed up. There was about 4 or 5 first responders then 3 or 4 EMTS that came too, our living room was full of people that were incredible! Some of them entertained Gabe and the others kept talking to us and looking Ellie over. She acted fine, so they said it was up to us what to do. We needed to call our Doctor's office first and she if we could get her but they were out of the office today so we needed to go to the ER to get her checked out. They gave us the choice of us driving or going by ambulance and they all assured us it would probably be better if we took her as she was acting fine, but by law they would to have had strapped her down flat on the board and she probably would have gotten mad and more upset. So we took off and she checked out fine there too. She nursed fine and when she was done eating, she pulled away and just started cooing and me and smilng and blowing bubbles. (her latest invention) then for the next 15 min while we waited for the doc to come in, she did the same to Jason....just was all smiley and giggling. The ER doc came and in said she looked fine and felt fine, no need for xrays. The nurse was an older one and was so sweet. Before we left she came in and wanted me to know that she had dropped one of her babies before and I'm not a bad mom. She said, don't beat yourself up, you'd be surprised how many of us do and the babies are fine. She said, there bones are still soft and they can actually take falls better than at our adult age. Whew! It helped a bit....but i'm still a mess.

Now we're home and she's sleeping peacefully....but I'm still thinking: What if something happens later on down the road because we didn't get xrays and catch something? What if she starts seizuring? (I had small seizures from a fall when I was younger that I didn't report to my parents) What if she just quits breathing? I'm honestly trying to trust God here...and give all my anxietized heart to Him. I know our children are on loan to us and I need to keep remembering that. I just wish I could quit fearing the worst and just trust God completely...Until then, please pray for Ellie that her little body, her head, her back would all be okay. This song was in my mind today on the way to the hospital.

Aaron Shust \ My Savior My God
I am not skilled to understand What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did IBefore I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, My Savior lives My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is My God is always gonna be
Yes, living, dying, let me bringMy strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I Before I knew my Savior

Father, I just come before you now and say Thank you. Thank you Father for your love
for us that never ends. Thank you for Your arms that surround us when we need it most.
Thank you Father for the blessing of our children and help me to remember Father...that
they are on loan to us and You have a perfect plan for us and them. Father, thank you for
the peace that You bestow that passes all understanding...and thank You for being my Rock to stand upon when the storms of life come. I love You Abba Father. In Jesus' Name, Amen.