Rivers of Tears

Okay......ultrasound tests showed nothing. Everything is kinda pointing towards fat malabsorbtion. So guess what?? We get to stay at our hospital hotel for the weekend!
Yipee yi yeah.....yuck......no fun.

BUT, if they can get to the bottom of this, we will be oh so thankful.
They took more blood last night and are waiting for lead and toxin levels.
The ped doc here took him off his IV so that is nice....so they are observing him
to see if he will perk up and stay hydrated on his own. So far, he is still lethargic
since his throwing up episodes early yesterday morning. It's so sad to see him
on his bad days, not talking, sleepy, crying.....but we're still believing healing
is in the process.

I did speak with our Dr. Austman this morning and his allergy tests came back.
He is VERY allergic to dairy (which we already knew) VERY allergic to cats and dogs
(he inherited this from Daddy it would seem) and somewhat to wheat and gluten.
She wasn't sure if the numbers were high enough to indicate celiac disease.
So I just ran down our ped doc and gave her the lab phone number so she can get
those results. Hopefully those will help them even more to narrow things down.

All the students and interns have told me this has been an interesting case to study
and they are learning alot and looking into alot of different possibilities. So I am seeing
positive coming out of all the negative little by little.

I will tell you this hasn't been easy as I'm sure you all have figured out by now.
I have cried rivers of tears. Cried for our little boy that has to be put thru all these
tests, being poked, prodded......watching him cry and fight.. being held down because
he didn't understand why they were doing things to him.
The constant, "Mommy! Mommy!" with the sound of terror in his voice.
The constant, "Mommy, I hurt, Kiss it" But I couldn't take the pain away.
The constant vision of his sad little eyes, limp body, weak limbs, his own tears
just continually dwell in my Mama heart. His already slender body just becoming
skin and bones...the throwing up that doesn't seem to want to end. The strong
smell that comes from him that is so unknown and so "not right."

It's been hard. I'm getting weary.....but I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in.
Because I still believe in my God. I still believe He is the ultimate Healer and Physician.
I still believe in miracles and that Gabe's complete healing is on the way.
I still believe there's purpose in all this that has happened. Even when we don't understand
it all and my heart is breaking....Even when I can't help our Gabriel feel better, I know God can.

I can hold our son just like my Father holds me. And keep loving, trusting, and believing.
I can press in to the heart of the Father.....I can-- with all faith believe.
I can hold on to the Grace that has been given so freely. I can stand on His promises in the Word.
I can cry rivers of tears and dance....and lift my hands to God and say,
"Still I will choose to say, Blessed be Your name."

Because His Word says this:
He loves us with an everlasting Love......he rejoices over us with singing.
He forgives our sins....He gives us hope. By His stripes we are healed.
And He will never forsake us or leave us.

And that is how I dance and smile in the river of tears. Because of how big our God is.
My prayer is that thru our trial and journey, that someone out there will come to know
my Jesus. The one that loves you and cares for you like no other. The one that forgives
all your sins and offers you eternal hope. The one that offers you peace and hope.
The one that created and will surround you with that peace that passes all understanding.
The one that picks you up and carries you, when you can't do it anymore on your own.

Jesus loves you....this I know....for the Bible tells me so.